Despite polls that show the American public overwhelmingly supports keeping the ancient burial chamber sealed, the Supreme Court ruled 6-3 Friday to pry open the evil tomb of Batibat, a vengeful spirit who haunts the dream space of her victims and suffocates them in their sleep.
The ruling, which overturns a 1972 decision by the court that condemned the obese tree-dwelling demon to an impenetrable tomb for all eternity, has raised concerns that countless lives could be endangered by her release. In a majority opinion joined by his fellow conservatives on the bench, Justice Samuel Alito argued that while the Constitution guarantees certain inalienable rights for all U.S. citizens, it does not offer explicit protection against the merciless Ilocano devil.
Saying the man’s behavior and temperament had helped him excel in a difficult environment, sources confirmed Thursday that every trait disqualifying ICE agent Jake Clements from previous jobs had made him ideal for his current role. Several reports indicated the 29-year-old high school graduate, who had been dismissed from numerous past positions in food service and substitute teaching due to his short fuse and penchant for cruelty, had been rapidly promoted up the ranks at ICE for those very same characteristics. According to sources, the anger management issues and casual application of slurs that once resulted in Clements being escorted out of a data entry job now earned him effusive praise from supervisors who saw a bright future for him at U.S. Immigration and Customs Enforcement.
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