“Newsom is doing exactly what we should be expecting of every Democratic politician today, especially those in executive office at the state level and especially those looking for promotions or to remain in office.”
When Co-workers do things like ask about weekend plans, chat about non-work topics, eat lunch in the same room, they are–subconsciously–reaffirming that they are part of a cooperative (or, minimally, non-antagonistic) social group.
The other primates cement social bonds by grooming each other; we do it by making small talk.
If they solicit your participation in these rituals, and you repeatedly refuse those bids, you are marking yourself out as, at best, an outsider to the group, and thus potentially antagonistic.
This is all happening on the monkey-brain level; they have no idea what they’re doing or how they are interpreting your response, so there’s no way to clear up the misunderstanding.
To the ape sleeping in your co-worker’s DNA, either you are part of the grooming circle, or you are an outsider who, for all it knows, may be coming to steal all the bananas.
Even if you would prefer not to socialize with your co-workers, it’s generally worth it to set aside 5 minutes a couple times a week for phatic communication. You don’t have to answer your co-workers’ affiliative signals every time, but it’s less trouble in the long run if you respond to a few of them.
if you are the type of person who really just wants to be left alone to do their work in quiet: it is actually easier to achieve this as part of the in-group. when you enter a new space, in this case, a job, make it your GOAL to make everyone Know Who You Are. introduce yourself to everyone you meet. literally everyone. “hi I’m Jack I’m New.” this helps burst the awkward bubble. you are now one of the monkeys.
at some point, either in response to an invitation, or just in the natural course of conversation, you can add in that you are a “quiet type” who “needs their silence” or what have you. customize to your personal needs. i find it helpful to imagine a well dressed elderly woman describing the sort of peace she needs to manifest.
roughly once a week if you see a group of people chatting, engage with them. keep it pleasant. it can be superficial. word will travel that you are Nice and Quiet and Not The Chatty Type protecting you from group lunches etc. if you have an office with a door that you keep closed a lot, putting up any kind of decor will also send positive signals.
humans are monkeys! for better or worse!
Pro tip: try to make a note (write it down if you have to) about some inconsequential thing that your coworker mentions so you can ask about it later. Kids and pets are great for This. As are hobbies. One guy in my office zoom called in from his house and I saw he had an arcade game in his office so I asked him about it later and he lit up like a Christmas tree. Another coworker has a pet pig and I ask every couple months how the pig is doing. This is a great strategy for pivoting conversation away from you and will make them think you are the friendliest monkey in the pod.
Just going to put it out there are well – as you get older, it does become harder to make friends than it was in high school or college. While you are not de facto automatic friends with your coworkers, it doesn’t mean you can’t become friends with your coworkers or that you have nothing in common with them. I honestly think the reflexive WE ARE NOT FRIENDS is kind of self-defeating. Like, bro, you’re gonna be spending almost half of your waking life with these people. Some of them you will genuinely dislike or disagree with, but by and large, most people are Not So Bad and are actually pretty reliable if you need something outside of work. I mean, my boss lent me his chainsaw.
That said, that doesn’t mean you have to do extra stuff outside of work. You can just do your job and go home. I mean, I do. I have excellent relationships with my coworkers in my department and consider several friends, but I am much more reserved (but still “likeable”) in the company at large. I am somewhat notorious for not attending company functions because I am hugely introverted and my non-work time is absolutely sacrosanct. In the last 6 six years at my company, I have gone to exactly 2 events outside of work. Because I am comfortable with my coworkers and we have built this relationship, I can laugh and say “I’m not going because I don’t want to” and everyone is just like “lol, oh you.”
How you open up or choose to interact is totally up to you. But I’m just saying – a good morning and a “how was your evening?” does go a long way. Maybe you can pick a few things about yourself that are your set of public facts, and those are the things you share. Maybe you can decorate your office or cubicle, which will humanize you to your coworkers and make it look like you have “settled in.” It also can be a way to signal to like-minded coworkers that you have common interests and start conversations you actually want to have. I dunno. I’m just saying, it’s not a bad thing to build relationships or care about other people. Practically nobody is working because they just love capitalism – you’re all being paid to be there. May as well play with the other monkeys a bit.
Okay, new flat earth terraforming strategem is funny, but I’m curious about the smooth earth terraforming-
If the earth was completely smooth (like a marble), how far underwater would everyone be? I’m sure this is a science/math problem that is easily solvable by someone.
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