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Catching his breath and wiping the sweat from his brow after he realized it was all just a bad…

theonion:

Catching his breath and wiping the sweat from his brow after he realized it was all just a bad dream, Texas National Guard member Jason Ringgold reportedly woke up screaming at 3 a.m. Thursday after having a nightmare about Americans peacefully going about their daily lives. “Oh God, they were carrying groceries and picking up their kids from school—from school,” said a still-shaken Ringgold, who recently returned home from Chicago, where his unit is still deployed, and who admitted he was reliving scenes such as a woman driving home from work, doing some grocery shopping, and heading home to make dinner.

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Attending a corporate leadership seminar at a local hotel conference center Wednesday, area sales…

theonion:

Attending a corporate leadership seminar at a local hotel conference center Wednesday, area sales director Mark Nellis reportedly felt his heart stop when a workshop speaker asked audience members to take a moment and turn to the person next to them. “Oh, God, she’s going to make me talk to this guy,” Nellis said to himself, appearing visibly agitated as he realized he would soon have to engage in an uncomfortable, wholly unnatural exchange with the stranger to his right, perhaps writing down a list of career goals or participating in some sort of management-oriented game.

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